An egotist is a person of low taste … more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
Mama, get me a hammer (there's a fly on papa's head)
C&W song title
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemon?
Bernard Trink
Show me a man with both feet planked fîrmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.
In my business, feelings do not matter, says the lawyer. In mine neither, says the prostitute.
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